My Struggle With Postpartum Depression

I wanted to share what I have been through the past 9 months so other mothers out there know it's ok to feel this way too. Postpartum Depression feels a lot like imposer syndrome and for us actors we already go through that often in life. I constantly feel like I am putting on a show for my son, like it's all an act. He enjoys every performance so much. And any other audience member that watch says I am smiling from ear to ear while I sing and dance with him. They all say I am an excellent mother and I was born to play this role. I just wish I could see it for my self. I honestly have to play back the tapes and watch my self on camera in order to do so. I can feel my jaw hurt sometimes from smiling so much. But on the inside I feel like a hollow shell. I have been walking around like a ghost of a person that certainly is not me. Don't get me wrong, I love my son more then life, it just took me a very long time to actually feel it. Motherhood is beyond challenging, and I always thought trying to make it as an actor was tough. Boy was I in for a shocking surprise with this new part I have to play every day now! I feel like that depression commerical where the person walks around with a smiling face covering their sad face behind the piece of cardboard. So if you are like me juggling between both drama masks, happy one day, sad the next, talk to someone. You are not alone. Every day I go the extra mile to get help, I want this, I need this to go away! Things like energy healing, acupuncture, meditation, yoga, massages, walks, group therapy with other moms and naps all help when you can actually find the time to get it in around a baby who needs your constant attention 24/7. Please dig out you time, it's the only time that make me feel like well, me again. I promise the world will have the Katherine Mesa that they have grown to know and love back. It's just gonna take time. As for Kayden, he is the sunshine in my life, I love playing make believe with him, and I can't wait to see what he grows up to be. He's already a little performer. It truly is magical once you can feel the joy that they bring into your life. So just let me love a little more before you are not little any more.